Beyond the Questions
by Kanki Youji
Summary: Basic question and answer forum with Beyond Birthday as it's head. Writen in story-form instead of OOC goodness. Rating subject to change. Have fun!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** You should know the drill. You send in questions, my lovlies answer them. I'm not responsible for any mental scarring that the Birthday children may cuase, and I don't own Death Note.

* * *

A pale girl with wide black eyes and waist length black hair walks on screen, her thin lips curved up in a smile that looks anything but natural. She's wearing a simple knee length black skirt, black long sleeve shirt, thin knee-high electric blue socks and has a fluffy blue scarf wrapped around her neck which she is stroking slowly, almost nervously.

"Um… hi. I'm Samantha Birthday, and Kanki managed to sucker me into hosting this for you all, despite the fact that I hate dealing with crowds, even ones watching from the other side of a screen..." she greets, her voice high and shaking a bit. "Oh! And, erm… this..." she reaches off stage, then heaves, dragging a lanky looking boy in a baggy white shirt and pair of blue jeans covered in red stains. "… is my brother, Beyond. Say hello to the nice people, Beyond."

The boy, who is equally pale, and also has large, slightly bulging eyes which are tinted slightly red, lifts one hand awkwardly and give a half wave before turning and slouching off screen.

"Yeah, he'll be the one answering your questions, unless he doesn't know something, in which case I'll try and help you out." she continues. "But right now I have a tray of cookies in the oven and I don't want to let them burn, not to mention I have to find Beyond some more clothes, as he's managed to cover himself in jam again..." she paused to sigh. "Yeah. That's about it. Send in your questions via that little review box down below. Yeah, you know the one. We'll be back… in a week? I don't know! No one tells me when this thing airs! We'll be back eventually, I suppose. Chao!" She turns and runs off, and the lights go out.

* * *

**A/N:** She covered it, ladies and gentlemen. Have a ball!


	2. Episode 1 Welcome to the Show

"Hey, Beyond! Get in here!" a high voiced, much more confident than last episode, Samantha Birthday called. She was laying on a futon-style bed, wearing an ensemble much like the one last episode… actually, it appears to be exactly the same outfit, unless she owns tons of exactly the same clothes, and, seeing who she's related to, that's really not all that surprising.

"We have letters! Er… a letter!" she adds, lifting herself up part way and twisting around so that her voice would carry further as she directs her head toward the doorway.

"Why is there no jam?" the reply is deep and nearly toneless.

"We do have jam!" Samantha calls back instantly, then pauses while her eyes widen before jumping up quickly. "And what are you doing in my kitchen? You're not supposed to be in there!" She adds, running through the doorway and off camera.

The room displayed on the camera is basically neat, other than the fact that there are empty or half-empty jam jars littered around as well as three or four computers and a couple books in different languages scattered around. Shouting is coming from the kitchen.

"You're not supposed to go into my kitchen, Beyond! You know that!"

"But… Beyond wanted jam… there was none in his room!"

"There's ALWAYS jam, somewhere around. The fact that one of the rooms is out doesn't give you right to go into MY kitchen!"

"But…"

"Listen, just ask me, okay?"

"… can I have some jam, Samantha?"

Ah heavy sigh.

"Yes, you can have jam, brother… IF you answer the letter we got first."

"Then Beyond will answer this letter. For jam."

"Thank you. Now come on."

Both enter, Samantha behind Beyond, apparently checking her kitchen for any signs of something not being as it should.

"Where is this letter?" Beyond asks, slouching over to a couch and clambering up onto it, pulling his knees to his chest and place his left hand atop his left knee and biting down lightly on his right thumbnail.

"Here, I'll read it" Samantha offered, flopping herself back down on the bed comfortably and spreading out a piece of paper before her. "Okay, it's from someone called Sekai-Kage…" she paused, thinking for a few seconds "Hmmm… do they mean to call themselves the shadow of the world or the shadow of society, I wonder…?"

"Just read the letter, Samantha." Beyond says, bored already. He has found one of the half-consumed jam jar and is quickly turning it into one of the empty ones with the aid of his fingers. His shirt, which was white when he came on screen, is now slightly red-stained.

"Right, here we go…" Samantha said, then cleared her throat and started to read, "'well this should be interesting' … do you think so? I hope so, I wouldn't want to bore anyone! 'Samantha-san, you seem pretty awesome.'" She pauses, blushing lightly, "Well, thanks so much, Sekai-Kage-san!  
'Beyond-san, would you consider yourself slightly insane or just extremely  
obsessed? I keep telling my friends that you're not a complete nutcase..'"

"Beyond is not a nutcase! Beyond does not eat nuts…" B murmured. Samantha rolled her eyes at that.

"Sekai-Kage-san means that you're not crazy."

"Oh, well, according to the psychological tests, Beyond is very sane." He responds matter of factly. "Of course, we were all taught to pass such tests at the House… As to if Beyond is insane or obsessive? Beyond is not insane. Ask the psychologists. And obsessive? Beyond is not obsessive, if Sekai-Kage-san wants obsessive, they should talk to Samantha, she sta –"

He is cut off by Samantha slapping over his mouth. "I did nothing of the sort! NOTHING! I deny all charges!" she declares. "Now… um… there's a bit more of the letter… 'nice work so far Kanki-san  
thanks ^^'" She pauses, looking directly at the screen with a horrified look. "You're ENCOURAGING her! Don't do that! Kanki-chan is bad enough without people complimenting her! It'll go to her head! Imagine what she'll make Beyond and I do if you praise her to much!" she shudders. "Please don't encourage her, for my well being, I beg of you, please!" she opens her mouth to plead more but is silenced as a large jar of jam flies by and smacks her in the head, knocking her out.

"Samantha? Sister?" Beyond questions, reaching over and poking her twice. "She appears to have lost consciousness." He declares, then reaches further and grabs up the jam jar. There is a note attached.

'Dear Beyond-kun,

Please apologize to Samantha for me, as if my aim was anything like I planned, she'll be knocked out right now. Thanks for agreeing to answer the readers' letters for me! Lots of love, enjoy the jam!

- Kanki

P.S. Tell the readers they can praise me all they want. My ego still has room for growth!'

"Apparently it is from Kanki-san. She doesn't mind if you praise her. Now, if you do not mind, I have some jam to enjoy." He stands up and waves awkwardly before slouching off screen, leaving the camera rolling, pointed directly at Samantha's limp and unconscious form.

This view is kept for about half an hour, when a short girl with just-longer-than-shoulder-length brown, gold, red, and black hair runs on screen.

"Wow! Guess I really did a number on her!" she exclaims, looking at Neko. "Well, we'll be back with more answers to letters when she's come to and we've got more mail to answer. Thanks for watching my show. Kanki out!" she declares, reaching forward and pushing a button. A loud beep can be heard and the screen goes black.


	3. Episode 2 Lindas half cameo

The camera clicks on to a close up view of Beyond Birthday's coal-stained-crimson eyes. The spider-like boy pulls back and slouches surprisingly quickly back to the couch he has been taking residence on lately. Samantha is sitting next to him, holding an iced over jam jar to her head with one hand. They are, yet again, wearing exactly the same thing as before, but Beyond's shirt seems less stained than before, and Samantha's socks are a lighter color blue.

"Before we start this show, there's one thing I'd like to say to the author. Beyond?" Samantha starts, and Beyond hops up once more, standing to the side of her that the jam jar had flown from previously.

"Go ahead, Samantha. Beyond will not let you be thrown from consciousness again." He tells her solemnly. She nods.

"Okay, Kanki? You gave me a minor CONCUSSION!" She declares, angrily. "A concussion, Kanki! Do you know how that's going to damage my test scores? We have rankings next week! You better hope I don't drop below fifteenth for this! I've worked to hard to pull myself up from twenty-seventh! You got that? If you screwed up my Wammy's scores you will not be a happy little writer anymore, I can promise you that!"

"Finished?" Beyond asks, now holding three freshly thrown jam jars. She nods, and he returns to sitting, but not before putting down the jars in his right hand and catching a fourth right before it would've crashed into his sisters head.

"Okay, well, onto letters." Samantha declares, pulling out the first and opening it. "This one is from Backyard Bottomslash…" she pauses "Hey, didn't you kill them?"

Beyond shrugs. "I had thought that I had. What does it say?"

"Um… 'Mr. Birthday' Heh, you sound so fancy, Beyond! Anyway… 'Mr. Birthday, are you a necrophiliac?'" She pauses, looking up. "I'm sorry, but what the hell kinda question is that? Isn't that a bit personal? That's like asking what color underwear Beyond is wea–"

"I think that we are all closet necrophiliacs." Beyond responds around his left thumb, cutting his sister off. "Now, if Samantha would please with the next question?"

"Oh, uh… right. This one's from someone named Cloud… Wait, Cloud? Like the character from that game? What was it called again?" She pauses for a second, thinking, then gives up. "If you are that Cloud, could you give me your autograph? I'm certain that Mattface would love that!"

"Samantha?"

"Yes, Beyond?"

"Stop being maternal, sister, and get on with reading the letter."

"Fine, take all of Mattface's joy just so I can read you a letter!"

"… just read it."

"… fine." She unfolds the paper and holds it before her. "Okay, here goes 'OMG YAY! I HAS QUESTIONS FOR BEYOND-KUN!' … wow, caps lock much? Anyway… 'First of all; Beyond, you are my hero/role model/fave person in the whole wide world!' … wow. Role model? That's kinda frightening…"

"I think that it is touching. Thank you, Cloud-san. … Samantha? Is there more?"

"Yeah. 'Second; I have been inspired by you… I shall grow up to be a serial killer!'" she pauses, looking to the camera with wide eyes. "Please don't! That would most certainly be a bad idea!"

"Again, I think that it is flattering. But please do not. You don't know if those people were destined to die that day or not." Beyond responded slowly.

"There's a bit more… 'Yay! Anyways B, I LOVE you and I shall be back, but I gotta go. HERE'S SOME JAM!'" Samantha read. "Wow, Beyond, I think you got yourself a stalker, or at least someone preparing to become one. Hmm… I wonder what they meant by 'Here's some jam'…? Well, I guess we'll find out at some point, won't we?"

"I would assume so."

"Well, there's one more letter… and this one's from an old friend of mine. Actually, it's from my roomie back at the House!" Samantha declared cheerfully. "Well… her and some chick named Holly…. But, still, it's from Linda!"

"The one that never let Beyond have N-san's eyes?"

"Indeed."

"Ah. Well, you may read the letter."

"Geez, I didn't know I needed your permission, Beyond… Okay, here goes… '*blinks several times* I am blinded by you epicness…' Oh dear! Please don't sue! We can't afford it! I mean, we could, but I have plans for the money that Wammy's House left us! Baking supplies don't pay for themselves, you know, and I have to be here to watch over Beyond all day, so it's not like I could get a job!"

"Samantha, I am sure she will not sue. Now please continue."

"Stop telling me what to do! I could be the older one, you know, so you shouldn't boss me around, just on those grounds, not to mention you shouldn't boss me around anyway, 'cuz I'm your sister."

"Samantha?"

"… I'm reading, I'm reading… 'Now then… Part of me has a question.

Linda: WHY ARE YOU AFTER MY NEAR-SANS EYES?' … yeah, I'd think you'd be more likely to want Panda-kun's eyes, then Sheep-san's…"

"You would hurt me severely if I attempted to remove L-san's eyes, and N-san's eyes are the next closest thing." Beyond responded matter of factly. "They are so wide and cold. Beautiful, beautiful black. Like mirrors of onyx. Beyond had to happen. They are so pretty and perfect and so much better than Beyond's own eyes. They look so like His eyes… I just want to see like He does. Is that so wrong?"

"… Yes. Yes it is, brother!" Samantha said matter of factly. "Why can't you be satisfied with your own eyes? You're eyes are wonderful, Beyond! Have you ever seen eyes like yours anywhere else? Your eyes make you special, unique in a way that no one else can ever be! Can't you just be satisfied with that?"

"… read the rest of the letter."

"… I'm sorry, Beyond, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, I really didn't!"

"Just read it."

"All right, Beyond. '*coughs* That is all… HI NEKO! *waves* ^o^' Aww! Hello Linda! How's the search for Sheep-san going?" Samantha grins big, waving at the camera. "Are you doing okay? Are you eating well? I bet you aren't, you always try to take care of others and forget yourself!… you haven't tried to cook, have you? Did you blow up the kitchen this time?"

"Samantha?"

"Yes?"

"Stop talking to someone who's not here and finish the letter."

"… fine, fine, but I invite Linda to join the show! Now… 'Holly: … O.o She's crazy.' … Linda is NOT crazy, Holly or whoever you are! She nice and wonderful and should never be allowed in ay kitchen anywhere ever!" Samantha snaps. "I will not stand for people telling me that my dear roommate is crazy. I know crazy, trust me, and she is NOT crazy! In fact, you know who is crazy? FREAKI –" But it seems that no one will get to know who Samantha thinks is crazy, for it was at this precise moment that a jar of jam fell from the roof onto her head, knocking her out.

On the jar was a small note reading

'Here is some Jam

{~*Cloud*~}'

"Samantha? Samantha?" Beyond poked her twice, then shrugged. "Well, I supposed Beyond will leave now." He declared, walking up to the camera and clicking it off.


	4. Episode 3 The Rankings Are In!

With a click the camera goes on to reveal… blackness. The room is so pitch black that nothing can be seen.

"Samantha?" Beyond's voice can be heard, sounding uncertain and even a little worried, from somewhere around the general area of the camera. "Are you all right?"

"I'm fine! Now go away, Beyond!" Samantha's high slightly lilting voice chokes out, sounding rather like a sob.

"But… we have the show to do…"

"I don't care about the show! Go away!"

"But…"

"Our viewers can wait a week or three!"

"But, Samantha, we have letters to respond to… and we're out of jam… and regular food, and…"

"I don't care! I don't want to do the stupid show right now! The show can go DIE for all I care!"

"But… but… I still need the jam!"

"Get it yourself! You're a big boy, Beyond! Let me grieve for my fallen score in piece!"

"Samantha… Beyond thinks –"

"Samantha Birthday!" A new voice cuts into the air, oddly reminiscent of that of the girl who appeared when Samantha was first knocked out in episode one. "This silliness has gone on long enough! You've taken up more than half the page with your whining! Now you're going to get this show on the road whether you like it or not. Get ready because I'm turning the lights on in five… four… three… two…"

The light switch is flicked on and Samantha screams and hides her face in a pillow. The room is a mess, and more so than usual. Combined with the usual jam jars and computers laying around in general disorder, there are now pounds upon pounds of tissue.

The girl standing at the light switch is a shrimpy little thing with just below the shoulder red-brown-gold-black hair and blue green eyes. She's wearing an Akatsuki cloak, fox ears, a collar, and an annoyed expression, and tosses a bag at Samantha, hitting her squarely in the back. She looks up, eyes red and puffy from crying.

"You can't make me do this, Kanki-san! It's cruel! I got ninth! NINETH! How am I supposed to live with a score like that?"

"I don't care if you scored fifty-third, Samantha. You survived with twenty seventh for several years, you'll be fine with ninth." The small girl, now labeled to be Kanki, as in Kanki Youji, the author, said matter of factly. "And if you don't get this show rollin' then I'll be dumping a bucket of water on you!"

"Ahh! No! Not water, I'll do it! I'll do it!" Samantha screeched, reaching into the bag and yanking out a letter.

Kanki smiled. "That's what I thought!" She chirped, then skipped out.

Samantha sniffed, rubbing at her eyes, then unfolded the letter. "Okay, this one is from Mangafreak777. Hi Mangafreak777!" She smiled and waved at the camera, and Beyond offered up a small wave of his own, his lips curling up in an unnatural smile at the edges. "It says… 'I love this story! You're really doing an excellent job with it. ^_^' er… that's really directed to Kanki-san, who's not here, sooo…"

"I'm here! Thank you!" Kanki sang, poking her head into the room once more, smiling cheerily.

"Argh! Get out of my house, Kanki-san! I'm doing the show, so leave!"

The girl pouted. "Fine, I'm going, I'm going…" she muttered, turning and leaving. Samantha said nothing till she heard the door slam.

"Okay, moving on!" The raven girl declared, opening the letter again. "Lessie… um… Oh, here we are! 'Beyond and Samantha: you're both awesome beyond belief.' Wow. Thank you!"

Beyond nodded in thanks as well.

"That's very kind, Mangafreak777! Back to the letter now… '*ahem* sorry, just had to say that' Oh, don't be sorry! It was very kind! 'Anyway, was Beyond ever a brat to you, Samantha? I know brothers can be jerks… :p'" she paused, looking over to her brother who had now lost interest and was trying to get the last bit of jam clinging to a nearly empty jar. "Oh, no, Beyond has always been a wonderful brother to me!" she said, eyes sparkling fondly. "Just the best. He was very kind, and when I was upset – see, I was teased when I was little because of the ways my eyes rather bug out, and I would often come home in tears (I was a very sensitive child) – he would always comfort me and make me feel better about it. And one day the kids just stopped teasing me. Never did find out why, though I suspect that Beyond had talked to them about it. You see, he really is very sweet, just a bit misunderstood. It's not his fault." At this point her voice started shaking a bit. "It's not his fault at all! He was just born that way. He doesn't mean to scare people, he really doesn't. He's a wonderful boy, he just… he just needs someone to understand him. He's really a very kind boy. A wonderful boy. He's perfect, no matter what anyone else says. You just have to take the time to understand him. I can understand him. I can take care of him. He doesn't need any help, none at all. He's everything he needs to be, just as he is."

"Samantha?"

She startled, jumping a bit. "Y-yes Beyond?"

"Who are you talking to?"

"Oh, uh… Mangafreak777… they sent us a letter, remember?"

"Oh. Right. Why are you shaking?"

"Because some people in this world are idiots who can't seem to understand that someone can be wonderful and amazing and perfect without fitting into societies norms!"

"Oh… were you ranting again?"

"… yeah, that to…"

"About L-san?"

"No! Why would I be ranting about him? I don't care about L. YOU'RE the one with the obsession with L."

"Ah hmm…"

"Yes. You're the one that's obsessed with the world's greatest detective, not me. You're the one that knows how much he sleeps in a month, how long his hair is, how tall he is, how much cake he eats a day… you're the one that knows all that stuff. Not me. You're the one that thinks he's so amazingly wonderful. That there isn't a single other person in the world who could possibly ta –"

"Samantha?"

"Eh?"

"You're doing it again."

"Oh. Sorry."

"'It is all right… will you go to get me jam now?"

She sighed. "Yeah, I'll go get you some jam. Turn off the camera for me, kay?" And with that she turned and was out the door and off the screen. Beyond slouched up to the camera and clicked it off.


	5. Episode 4 Helllllloooooo Kanki!

The camera clicks on, this time turned on by Kanki, who then skips over to the couch, shoving Beyond's legs from their L-like position and worming her way into his lap. He blinks down at her, moving to shove her off, but she holds up a jar of jam. He pauses, appears to think about it, then grabs the jar, opening it in a practiced motion and allowing Kanki to stay on his lap.

The room is much improved from last time, the floor being basically picked up, and all the jars that had been littered around are in a pile shaped oddly like the fore and hind paws as well as the hind haunches of a cat in the corner, and the computers all neatly arranged on a table.

At first glance, Samantha is nowhere to be seen, but that is soon righted as she comes in from the room that was revealed to be the kitchen in the first episode, holding a tray of cookies, which she drops when she sees Kanki on Beyond's lap.

"What are you doing in my house? I thought I told you to get out!"

"Eh, ya did. But today's mail calls for my appearance again, so… I'm here! I decided that I was just going to stay for the show." Kanki said matter of factly.

"But… but…"

"But what?"

"You can't stay here! You can't! I won't allow it! Get out! This is the only place I can be free of you!"

Kanki laughed. "Oh, you'll never be free of me, Neko-chan –"

"That's Samantha to you."

"I'll call you what I want, Neko-chan, and you'll never be free of me. I created you, if you don't recall, and I know exactly what I have to do to get what I want." She reached her hand behind her, fingers alighting on a tall glass of ice water.

"You wouldn't!" Samantha exclaimed, eyes wider than their already slightly bulgy state.

"I would, but I won't if you let me stay!"

"… you can stay."

"Wonderful! Thank you! Now, what say we get this show rolling?" she questioned, throwing a paper-airplane at Samantha.

She managed to catch the poorly thrown airplane and unfolded it. "Okay, it's from Mangafreak777 again. Hi Manga!"

"Hi hi, Manga-san!" Kanki chirped, taking the hand Beyond was not eating with and waving it. "Beyond says hi to, but his mouth is full!"

The psychotic genius nodded, two fingers stuck in his mouth at that moment as he sucked the sweet fruity treat from the pale appendages.

"Okay, so… here goes…" Samantha said, coughing lightly to get attention back on to herself. "'Oh, dear – I'm so sorry I upset you' … Oh, it's all right! You didn't upset me at all, darling. I tend to do that every once in a while. I can't help it. I'm a bit protective, and anytime I even think of someone doing something wrong to one of my boys I kind of tend to… snap. So don't worry yourself over it! Now… 'It's not like I dislike Beyond (I did say he was awesome);'"

"Thank you." Beyond murmured from where he sat below Kanki. He offered a small misshapen smile in the general direction of the camera.

Samantha smiled fondly at her brother before returning to the camera. "'^^: Eep.. Ah.. again, great work, Kanki-san!'" she finished with a slightly pained expression. Clearly she still did not approve of boosting the young writers ego.

Kanki, however seemed ecstatic. Her round-ish face was glowing with happiness as a smile spread across it so wide that it threatened to split her head into un-even halves. "Thank you so much, Manga-san! That's so kind of you! I do try to deliver, and I'm glad you appreciate it! Here, have one of Neko-chan's cookies!" She stretches back wards across Beyond, who calmly puts one hand on her foot to keep her from toppling off as she reaches and grabs one of the cookies from the tray that fell to the floor and flings it at the camera. The cookie flies through the air, smashing into the screen and causing it to erupt into static.


	6. Episode 5 The Not Stalker Returns!

The camera clicks on to reveal Samantha turned toward something behind her, finger pressed to her lips.

"Hi, and welcome to the show." She whispers, backing up and looking about her frantically. "We're going to have to be a little quiet, because I've only just managed to get Kanki-san to leave, and I think she'll come back if she hears that we're starting the show." She explains sitting back on the couch.

Beyond, sitting beside her, tilts his head to one side. "Why do you not want Kanki-san here?"

"Well, that's because Kanki-san is –"

"Am what?" the short girl questioned, skipping in and leaning over the back of the couch, throwing her arms around Beyond as she did so.

"A wonderful writer, but not necessarily the best influence on my brother." Neko responded matter of factly. "Not to mention you broke my camera."

"First off," Kanki started, as she swung herself over the couch, pushing down Beyond's knees and sliding into his lap, just as she was last episode, and settling herself in. "It was my camera, and I got a new one, so that's all right. And second… how am I a bad influence?"

"He started asking me about the ramifications of any given sentient being not having numbers or name above their head, and if that constituted that they had no soul."

"You have to admit it, Neko-chan –"

"Samantha."

"– Neko-chan, it is an interesting question. Besides, what does it mean if they truly do NOT have a soul, eh?"

"I agree, sister." Beyond cut in. "It is a very interesting topic, after all. However, this is neither the time nor… well maybe it is the place, but not the time."

"I agree, don't you two have a show to host?" Kanki questioned.

"Yes, WE TWO do. As in, not you!" Samantha said with a pointed stare.

"Aww! Kanki wants to stay with Beyond-kun!" Kanki whined, slipping into third person as she threw her arms around Beyond's neck, clinging to him. The awkward boy shifted on arm around her, holding her up as her actions threatened to throw them both off the couch.

"Kanki-chan, if you continue to cling like this I will topple." He pointed out.

"But… Kanki doesn't want to leave! I want to stay with you two!" she looked pleadingly at Samantha.

"Fine, you can stay." The raven said with a sigh.

"Horray!" Kanki cheered, releasing her hold as she did so, allowing Beyond to take his hand back, as balance was now restored.

"Just don't get in the way of my show."

"I won't! I promise!"

"Good, now I'm going to read the letter." She announced. "It's from Cloud-san again. And here's how it starts… 'I told you I'd be back! Ya miss me? *Mwahaha*' Um… I suppose that I did. Beyond?"

Beyond thinks for a moment. "Well, I suppose… I did not pay much attention to my missing of anyone, as I am content here, but I may have."

"I missed you!" Kanki declared from his lap. "You were one of our first letters! Of course I missed you!"

"No one asked you." Samantha half-hissed. "Moving on… 'Don't worry, Beyond, I'm NOT a stalker' … I'd just like to add a yet here… 'But I still do however want to be a serial killer…' Please don't!"

"I would not recommend such. There is an eighty-seven percent chance you will be caught." Beyond said simply.

"Yeah, besides, that's Beyond-kun's territory!" Kanki added.

"Quite so." Samantha agreed. "Now… 'and who says I can't see "the numbers"? *mwahaha* *teehee*' … I seriously doubt that you do. After all –" she was cut off by Kanki's hand.

"What she means to say is 'what numbers?'" she declared. "We have no idea what you're talking about, darling, none at all! Heh heh… yeah… Samantha, read the rest of the letter!"

"Right." Samantha said with a nod. "Okay… 'I hope you enjoyed the jam, some more is on the way, but it's padded this time so it doesn't hurt your sister… *ahem* yeah, sorry about that' Oh, it's all right! I mean, it's completely ruined my score and someday I'll hunt you down and damage you permanently for that one day, but other than that your completely forgiven."

Kanki giggled at that. "Wow, you really ARE my character!" she said with laughter in her tone. "If that's not proof, I don't know what is!"

"… and that is a scary, scary thought." Samantha declared.

"Yeah… it kinda is. To think…" Kanki started.

"That I have any resemblance to you!" They finished at the same time, then shut up and stared at one another.

"… freaky…" They both said after a moment.

"Hey! Stop doing that!"

"You stop doing it!"

"I'll stop it when you stop it!"

"Gaahhh!"

"Okay, we both stop talking in one… two… three!"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Hey, it worked!"

"Aww, damnit!"

This continued on for several minutes, until a padded jar of jam flew through the air, smacking Samantha in the face and causing her to shut up, and Kanki to cackle madly, as the jam jar – while packaged – managed to shatter itself, and covered Samantha's face in red fruity goodness. Samantha, growling angrily at this new development, growled at Kanki, then stomped over to the camera and shut it off with a resounding click.


	7. Episode 6 Six hours is a long time

The camera clicks on to show Samantha's face up close for a few seconds before she scotches on back to the couch and sits herself down comfortably. Beyond is sitting next to her in his usual way, knees pulled up to his chest and fingers dipping down to scoop up some jam from a jar by his feet. Next to him on the other side, scooted as far back from both as she can is Kanki, wrapped in a large quilt and sneezing uncontrollably. The ground around her feet is littered with tissues.

"Hi, all." Kanki says in a my-nose-is-stuffed-up sort of fashion. "Sorry for any sneezing, hacking, and anything of that sort that may ensue. It's not my –" she interrupts herself with a loud cough "– fault. It's Neko-chan's."

"It is not!" Samantha shrieks in response. "I did not make your immune system not worth crap!"

"It is your fault that you locked me outside for six hours!" Kanki shot back.

"That is a bit harsh, sister." Beyond murmured around two jam-coated fingers he was in the process of sucking clean.

"Says the serial killer." Samantha instantly retorted. "Who's side are you on, anyway?"

"I thought that would be obvious. I'm on the jam's side."

"Jam isn't a side! It's my side or her side." On 'her' Samantha shot Kanki a seething glare.

"Jam can be a side if it damn well wants to!" Kanki cut in, then sneezed impressively.

"L bless you!" both Wammy's children said instantly.

Kanki stared at them both silently for a minute or eight. "Wow. Wammy's style brainwashing much?"

"Hunh? Isn't that what your supposed to say?" Samantha questioned.

"Um… sure." Kanki said slowly. "Shall we just get on with today's letters?"

"… yeah, okay." Samantha said, equally slowly as she pulled a piece of paper from a small bag and unfolded it again. She blinked. "Oh, it's from Cloud, again."

"Oh! Our favorite would-be-serial killer!" Kanki cheered.

"She sends me nice jam." Beyond tacked on his opinion of the sender.

"Well, then, read the letter, Neko-chan!" Kanki declared.

"My name is SAMANTHA!"

"Yeah, yeah, Neko-chan, whatever you say. Now just read, allright?"

"Fine, fine…" Samantha held the letter in front of her, clearing her throat. "Okay… 'CLOUD IS BACK! No, I am not Cloud from Zelda' … aww, Mattface will be so disappointed… oh well… 'my name is short for Claudia, but I can give you an autograph just the same!'" Samantha paused, chewing n her lip in thought. "Hmm… I think that he would be able to tell the difference, unfortunately. Thank you for the offer, though! Now, back to the letter… 'And there is NO way I would get caught! You just wait and see… *mwahaha*'" Samantha stopped and looked at the camera in a worried way. "I would really prefer that you didn't…"

"It's really my line of work." Beyond added. "Though I suppose it could be considered a tribute crime to Beyond, yes?"

"Yes." Kanki answered him with a nod. "But I wouldn't. See, my show is monitored by the police systems of eight different countries, as well as that of five cities in the California area, and we have to send copies of every episode to L to be allowed to have Beyond-kun out of confinement." She pouted lightly. "So doing or mentioning anything illegal here is just a bad idea… Kanki is sorry! She doesn't mean to ruin Cloud's murdering dreams!"

"Ahem… can we get back?" Samantha questioned. Beyond nodded, and Kanki sneezed before nodding as well. "Right then… 'QUESTION TYME! Beyond: (I still love you, by the way) Why do you refer to yourself in third person? (same goes to Kanki) DO you see everything in a shade of red (because of your eyes)? How old are you? Do you eat anything but jam?'" she turned to her brother. "Well?"

"Thank you for your fondness, Cloud-san." Beyond said with a little half smile. "It makes Beyond happy. As to why I refer to myself in third person? ... Beyond refers to himself in third person? He was not aware of this. Hmmm…. Beyond supposes that it would be because Beyond spent so much time trying to be L-san, so it is possible that he sometimes forgets that he is supposed to be Beyond, and refers to himself in third person because he forgets that he is indeed himself."

"Well that wasn't confusing." Kanki quipped. "I refer to myself in third person for two reasons…well, three, really… First of all, I picked it up from cosplaying Misa to much, and I have the tendency to pick up on others mannerisms of speech, yeah. Also, in Asia – specifically Japan – it is considered 'cute' to refer to yourself in third person, and causes my friends to squeal something in Chinese that I can't understand, then hug me repeatedly, which makes me feel loved. Lastly, it's really just a habit, hmm. I can't help it, sometimes I just slip into third person. Cloud doesn't mind that Kanki is like that, does she?"

Samantha rolled her eyes. "Kanki, every time I think you couldn't get any weirder, you do."

"Thank you, yeah!"

"…that wasn't a compliment."

"Can Beyond finish answering his questions now?" the psychopathic genius asked from where he was sitting on the couch, before a verbal tennis match could start up.

"Of course, Beyond-kun!" Kanki chirped.

"Thank you, Kanki-chan." Beyond nodded to her. "Beyond does not see everything in a shade of red. For example, black things still look black, and other dark colors. The corners of my vision do tend to have a light pinkish-red tinge however. Does that answer your question, Cloud-san?"

"Kanki bets that it does." Kanki said with a nod. "Next question?"

"… what was it again? Beyond has forgotten…"

"How old are you, brother?" Samantha told him, then paused. "Don't tell them that, because then they'll know how I am. I don't feel comfortable with that information being released to the public."

"But… Neko-chan! Kanki's wonderful viewers – " Kanki begain.

"don't need to know how old we are, end of discussion!" the Birthday girl snapped.

"… scarry!" Kanki yelped, before sneezing violently.

"Now… your last question, Cloud, was if my brother eats anything but jam." Samantha continued, ignoring the quivering author. "Well… if he had his way, he wouldn't but I try to make sure he gets a balanced diet. It doesn't work well, though. Back when we were kids he would be the first to try whatever I baked or cooked, but now, unless it's made with, say, a jam filling, you have to tie him down and force feed him. It's not a very fun thing to do, let me tell you."

"It wouldn't be so unpleasant if you did not force Beyond to part-take of your cooking, sister, and just let him eat his jam instead." Beyond pointed out.

"But that's not good for you!" Samantha said exasperatedly.

"Just get on with the questions, yeah?" Kanki requested.

"Yeah, yeah…" Samantha said with a sigh. "Will do… 'Samantha: How's your head?' Oh, it's fine now, thanks for asking! 'Are the classes/exams at Wammy's hard?' Well, it depends on what class you're in, and what your talent is, really. See, classes like Russian, Indonesian, or other language classes, as well as my math courses are easy for me, but I have to work hard in things like history and literature and the sort. It's nothing like it is for the top three, really. The rest of us are pushed but not overwhelmed, so it really isn't that bad. 'Who do you prefer; Near or Mello?' … I have to choose? I don't think I could! Sheep-san and Second are both wonderful boys. I couldn't pick favorites! How could you ask such a thing?"

"I think Mello's better." Kanki responded. "Personally. He's just… more awesome. I mean, really: a smexy blonde chocoholic with an affinity for guns, who thinks first and acts after or a paraplegic albino kid who eats his toys? Smexy blonde chocoholic all the way!"

"No one asked you!"

"Yeah, but I answered anyway. Watcha gonna do about it, hmm?"

"Lock you out again."

"… you wouldn't!" Kanki scrambled out of her blanket and clung to Beyond for protection from his sister.

"I would. I have. I will." Samantha stood up and took a step toward the girl.

"EEP!" Kanki squeaked, clinging harder to Beyond before a fit of coughing forced her to let go.

"Sister?" Beyond asked, looking at the strange girl who had just let go of him instead of at the one he was addressing.

"Yes, Beyond?"

"Can you stop harassing our guest and continue with the letter."

"… you really are on her side!"

"No, Beyond is on jam's side. Now if Samantha would please continue…?"

Samantha sighed. "Fine, fine… 'Kanki: I feel like irritating Samantha, so I'll say this;' WHAT? I refuse to read this any further!" she threw it at the ground.

Beyond reach forward and plucked the paper up. "Then I suppose I should continue, yes?" he looked to Kanki, who nodded. "Right then… '*ahem* You are totally awesome! You are like SUPAH special awesome! Best author in the world! I hope this boosts you already incredible large ego :)' … Kanki-chan does not have a very large ego, Cloud-san. In fact, she's rather prone to having an incredibly thin skin and being filled with self-doubt."

"But thank you berry buch!" Kanki tacked on before sneezing twice loudly. "It's very appreciated, though you stole Yugi's line there… Feels nice to be called super special awesome! If Kanki didn't feel so bad she'd do a happy dance!" She smiled at the camera while pulling her blanked back up around her shoulders and leaning into Beyond with a light yawn.

"Cloud-san is not done with her letter." Beyond said, raising an eyebrow as he looked down at Kanki, who was rapidly falling asleep against his side before returning his attention to the writing. "She says… 'Sorry for asking so many questions, but it's fun :3

{~*Cloud*~}

p.s. I LUFF U BEYOND'" He paused and looked up at the camera. "Please do not be sorry, Cloud-san. We enjoy answering your questions –" at this comment, Samantha – who was sulking to the best of her ability – snorted loudly "– and hope you will send more. I appreciate your love very much, though I am afraid I will not be able to return your feelings in any other way than as a friend."

"Keh, he's just being nice." Samantha snapped. "You clearly do not know what you're talking about, Cloud, if you think that Kanki is in anyway talented. Little freak writer." She growled, glaring at Kanki who was now fast asleep against her brother, who looked like he didn't know what to do with the fun-sized female who had attached herself to him.

"Samantha should be quiet." He advised in a low voice. "Kanki-chan is trying to sleep."

"I don't have to be quiet if I don't want to be. Let her wake up. Maybe then she'll go to her own home!" Samantha replied.

"I don't think she can go home like this, sister. Beyond votes that we let Kanki-chan stay for now. After all, it is Samantha's fault that Kanki-chan is sick in the first place."

"What? No it's not! She could've gone somewhere else instead of sitting outside our door sniveling for six hours!"

"Samantha…"

"I don't want her staying with us."

"…Please?"

"No!"

"Why not?"

"Because she's an annoying twit!"

"But…"

"No!"

"Even if Beyond agrees to eat 'real food' once a week?"

Samantha stood there, chewing on her lip for a moment. "… Fine. She stays." She agreed at last before turning to the camera. "But don't think that this means that any of YOU people can come and live in my house, got that?" she snapped before clicking the camera off.


	8. Episode 7 Why We Don't Mention The Jam

The camera clicks on to reveal Kanki's smiling – now completely recovered – face. "Hiya!" she chirps, waving at the camera. "Welcome to the show! Sorry we've been gone for so long, I was really sick, and then I went away on a trip and took the camera with me, and then our video-editing station broke down, and then… and then… and then we were back, yeah!" she beams at the screen then turns and skips back to the 'hosting couch,' where she sits next to Beyond, sliding her arms around him and leaning into his shoulder happily.

"… what is Kanki-chan doing?" Beyond asked, looking at her curiously.

"Hugging you!" Kanki chirped back.

"Why is Kanki-chan hugging Beyond?"

"Because Neko-chan has just finished cooking and is going to bring it out for Beyond-kun and Kanki thought Beyond might need a little moral support, hmm."

Beyond seemed to grow a shade or two paler at that, if it was even possible. "… what did Samantha make?"

"Steak. It looks really yummy!"

He groaned.

"Oh, don't worry, you can sneak feed me while she's reading the letter kay?"

"You would do that for Beyond?"

"Of course Kanki would! Kanki knows Beyond-kun doesn't like food other than jam, and she knows that Beyond-kun is eating it so Kanki can stay. It's the least she could do! Besides… I like steak, and your sister is a really good cook!"

"I beg to differ, Kanki-chan." Beyond said, bringing his thumb to his lips and biting down lightly on the nail. "She bakes well, but she does not cook much."

"But what she cooks is delicious, so she's still a good cook, eh?"

"… she does not make jam."

"Oh, so that's why you think she's not a good cook, hmm?" Kanki clarified, and he nodded in answer. "Ah. Well… I disagree. I like her cooking. The fact that she's good at that is a key part to her character!"

"… what?"

"You can see people's names and death dates, I can see plot lines and character traits! … it's a writer thing, you shouldn't try to understand, it'll hurt your logic-based brain, m'dear."

Beyond just stared at her for a moment. He nodded slowly, then turned away, sending the room into an awkward silence.

A silence that was broken by Samantha's entrance. She was – just like her brother and the strange authoress – wearing exactly what she had been wearing last show, or an identical replica of the outfit, yet again raising the question about if any of them actually changed. She was also carrying a plate on which sat a medium-rare filet mignon next to a rather large side of garlic mashed potatoes, serving as a pool for a small amount of home-made gravy.

"You promised you'd eat it, brother." Samantha said sternly when Beyond made a face at the dish set before him.

"But… Samantha knows Beyond dislikes this kind of food." He whined, looking pointedly at the cooked cow.

"Yes, but you dislike any kind of food that isn't jam." Samantha reminded him. "So, I don't see why this is any different from, say, an egg salad sandwich."

"But…"

"How can someone who has killed – no, not just killed – mutilated three people be squeamish about eating meat?"

"It's a life-style preference, yeah. It has nothing to do with the challenge Beyond-kun issued to L-sama!" Kanki chirped from beside the ex-serial killer. Beyond nodded solemnly in agreement.

Samantha sighed. "If you're so adverse to eating the meat, just eat the potatoes, then." She said, clearly annoyed that he cooking was going down the drain. "That better?"

"… but I do not like the taste of potatoes either…" Beyond pointed out.

"Argh! Fine! Eat jam if you must! Don't get enough protein or have a balanced diet, just eat something!" Samantha said, exasperated.

Beyond offered her a rather disturbing smile, that could almost pass for angelic, had it not carried a taint of dark things creeping from out the cracks in the walls, just around the edges. "Thank you, sister."

"Hai, hai. Whatever." Samantha shrugged off his thanks, sitting down next to him on the couch. "Kanki-baka? Do you have the letter?"

"Yeah, it's right here, hmm." Kanki said, waving about a piece of paper she had folded into a paper airplane.

"Why'd you fold it up? That's a perfectly good letter, that is!" Samantha exclaimed, reaching over her brother to try to snatch the letter from Kanki, who was giggling like mad and had scooted across to the other side of the couch, dangling the piece of paper just out of the Birthday girl's reach.

"Gahh! Just give me the letter, Kanki!"

"Okay, since you asked." Kanki said, still giggling, and threw the paper airplane at Samantha. It zoomed at her head, then shot up suddenly, did a loop, and landed in an empty jam jar. "Yay! Kanki did it!" Kanki cheered while Samantha grumbled and grabbed the piece of paper. She brushed off some left over jam and unfolded it.

"Great. It starts with compliments for our freak writer." She mumbled, scanning over it. "Maybe I'll just skip that pa–"

"NO! Read it! Read it!" Kanki demanded. "You have to read ALL of their words."

"Why?"

"It's in your contract."

"… Damn contract." Samantha sighed. "Okay, well, here goes… 'Kanki-san, you officially ROCK.'"

"Thank you!" Kanki sang from her place on the couch. "That makes Kanki feel wonderful!"

"… can I continue now?"

"Sure, Neko-chan."

"… It's Samantha."

"Whatever you say, Neko-chan."

"… Ahem… 'I am in love with this story. The way you show Beyond and Samantha (quite possibly my favorite OC ever, btw) is just… priceless.'" Samantha paused, looking up at the camera. She smiled brightly. "Thank you! I'm do aim to please."

"Yeah, thanks! Kanki is glad you like Neko-chan. She's one of her favorite OC's to write, too! Plus, she's fun to poke!" Kanki added, reaching over Beyond to poke said OC.

"Stop that." Samantha snapped, thwacking Kanki's hand, causing the girl to yelp and jump back. "Thank you. Now, back to the letter. 'Beyond-san, why do you like jam so much?'" She looked at her brother questioningly, as did Kanki.

"Yeah, why do you like jam so much?" they asked in tandem.

Beyond bit down thoughtfully on the nail of his thumb. "Mmmm… Beyond likes jam because…. I suppose I enjoy the taste. I first started caring for it because of how sticky it was. I always did like sticky things. That could be it… But… Beyond really started to care for jam after Mother was killed. She left the television on when she left – the news. We heard about the train crash from there, saw pictures. Samantha wouldn't watch, but I did. Mother was all red and black on white, white skin. And the red? It looked just like jam…" Beyond looked down at a jar he had picked up and smiled into the strawberry jam inside it, starting to hum an old nursery rhyme, half a beat to slow. Kanki edged away from him slightly, a perturbed look on her face, and Samantha was shaking slightly, but the Birthday boy noticed none of this and just went on humming to himself, dipping two fingers into the jar and pulling them out coated in the stick treat before shoving said fingers into his mouth and sucking.

"K-kanki-san?" Samantha asked in a wobbly voice.

"Yes, Neko-chan?"

"I… I don't think I can finish the rest of the letter right now…"

"I don't think you should. It might have more questions. Lets… finish it next show… I think you needed to get some things from the grocery store? I'll help you…"

Samantha nodded, jumping up and scurrying off screen. Kanki hopped up as well, went to the camera, and clicked it off.


	9. Episode 8 Beyond is a vegitarian?

The camera clicks on to reveal the usual set up of the Birthday's living room, Beyond sitting on the side chair, Kanki and Neko on the couch, casting worried glances at Beyond every few seconds.

"H-hey, there everyone." Samantha started, looking paler than usual and smiling weakly at the camera.

"We're back!" Kanki added with practiced cheer. "Last time we left off half way through a letter, and we'd really love to continue reading that letter for you, but -"

"It accidentally fell into the incinerator!" Samantha finished.

"Yes. Accidentally." Kanki said, nodding furiously. "Right after it accidentally went through the paper shredder. We were trying to tape it back together when it fell in the incinerator."

"Exactly." Samantha agreed. "So we'll just have to read the next one, which is from -"

Kanki jumped up, posing dramatically with a picture of a girl with short red hair, pale skin, and freckles cutely decorating her face. "Maddie! My wonderful, amazing, beautiful, intelligent, perfect, epic, fanta-"

"Kanki-san! We don't have all day!"

"… girlfriend. Whom I love and is amazing." Kanki finished, snuggling the picture close. She sighed. "I wish she was here…"

"And we don't care." Samantha muttered, grabbing the back of Kanki's shirt and dragging her back to the couch. "Let me read the letter now, please?" she asked dryly in response to Kanki's huff. She glared for a second, then nodded to the Whammy's House drop out.

"Okay, here goes. Oh, but first, we should warn the readers: we've started censoring the letters. Just in case. Not that we wont read them, just… we'll avoid all jam-related questions. Now… On to the letter." Samantha said, then cleared her throat. "'I have a question! Has Beyond Birthday ever had an attraction to someone, or is he to emotionless?'"

Both head turned slowly to Beyond, who was chewing on his left pointer finger and looking thoughtful.

"Beyond… has felt attraction before." He said slowly, voice soft and rather distant. "He has felt attraction more than once, if it will be believed. Beyond is not emotionless. Beyond can feel, just like Maddie-san can or Kanki-chan, or Samatha-chan. Beyond is human, too."

"Of course you are, brother. She never meant to imply that you were not!" Samantha jumped in, apparently over her my-brother-is-an-insane-serial-killer moment and back into protective sister mode.

"Indeed. Maddie's intentions were the best. She never said you weren't human, she just wanted to know if you'd ever had an attraction to someone." Kanki added. "She'd never mean to offend you. She's much to kind, and sweet, and per-"

"Kanki?" Samantha cut her off.

"Yes?" Kanki asked, looking up.

"You're doing it again."

"… oops. Sorry. I don't mean to."

"That's okay, I suppose. Can I finish the letter now?"

"There's more?"

Samantha nodded.

"Then by all means, continue!"

Clearing her throat, Samantha held the letter out before her once more. "Okay. It says, 'This is really funny. Keep up the good work!' … Good work? This isn't good work! It's cruel and unusual punishment!" she wailed overly dramatically.

"Oh, stop whining and read the next letter. It's not that bad." Kanki said, rolling her eyes at her creation's reaction. "Really, Neko-chan, you're as bad as me!"

"I am nothing like you!" Samantha spat. "And don't call me Neko-chan!" she added with a hiss that quite clearly showed off just why she was called such.

"Sure, sure. Just read it, okay?"

Samantha grumbled for a moment, but unfolded a new paper in compliance. "It's from someone called Hissho." She started. "Here goes, 'Kyaa' … and then it has an asterisk 'glomps Samantha and Beyond' … another asterisk… I wonder what they mean by that? Anyway… 'The brother/sister thing… so kawai'i' thanks, I suppose. 'nice work kanki youji!'" Samantha made to make a snide remark but was cut off by said authors jubilant cries of appreciation and much thanks. After a moment the small girl quieted down, and Samantha cleared her throat once more. "There' s a little bit left here, 'i have a question: what is BB's least favorite food??'"

Kanki and Samantha turned to look at Beyond, but their eyes met only his seat.

"… where'd Beyond-kun go?" Kanki asked slowly.

Samantha shrugged. "Dunno." A pause. "Brother?"

"Beyond-kun?" Kanki joined in the call. "Where are you? Kanki misses you!" She hopped off the couch and lifted the cushion, as if Beyond would be under there.

When her search revealed nothing she sat down on the floor with a huff. "Where could Beyond-kun have gone?" she asked forlornly.

Her answer came in the form of a large hissing coming from the kitchen.

"Found him." Samantha called. "Bring the camera in here, Kanki, I think our audience will get their answer."

Kanki nodded, hopping up and grabbing the camera. It's view shifted and traveled on a jumpy track around the couch and through a doorway to reveal a very nice and well kept kitchen. Unlike the living room – which had since had piles of manga and books added to the general chaos – there were no jam jars littered around, not a single computer or other techy-looking thing, and the only reading material was a half-written cook book with a pen near it. Every surface was so clean it _sparkled_, and it was so orderly that it could only be run by someone with severe OCD. In the middle of the room, crouching in front of an opened stainless steel refrigerator, was Beyond Birthday. He was hissing loudly, glaring with narrowed eyes at something in the fridge, while his sister was trying to calm him down.

"Samantha brought more of it. She bought it and brought it here!" Beyond screeched in a hysterical voice.

"Brother? What did I bring? What did I buy that's upsetting you?" Samantha asked worriedly, looking at her brother with concern.

"That!" Beyond pointed to a cut of beef, neatly wrapped up in the fridge, as if it was the source of all evil.

"Oh. Yes. Well, you know that seak is my favorite food to make…" Samantha started.

"It's evil! Horrid! Rotten! Wrong! Bad! Death! Hate! Wretched, wretched thing! Hate, hate, hate! It has brought death to this home!" Beyond declared, dropping onto all flours and flipping himself over so that his back was to the floor then spider crawling from the room, screaming wildly.

Samantha sighed. "Not again. He always gets like this when he sees any sort of uncooked beef. I think he's scared of it or something."

Kanki shook her head sadly. "What a waste. It's so good, too. Especially when Neko-chan prepares it."

"Well, you asked what his least favorite food was."

Samantha and Kanki turned to each other before facing the camera and speaking in tandem. "Steak."

"He absolutely hates it." Samantha added, turning her back to the camera and walking into the living room again. Kanki grabbed up the camera, causing it's view to go fuzzy and shaken for a while before settling on Samantha's back and following her through the doorway. It grew shaky again for a moment, showing a blurry close up of Kanki's face, then the girl skipped back and plopped down on the couch next to a curled up Beyond who was mumbling incomprehensible almost-words to himself.

"Okay, our next letter is from Skywardshadow -" Samantha began.

"Thanks, Sky! You always leave Kanki the nicest reviews!" Kanki tacked on with a grin.

"Ahem. Yes. No one cares, Kanki." Samantha said shortly. "Now, as to the letter… 'Aw, man… sorry, Samantha-san, I didn't mean to upset you!!' – Oh, it's all right, I suppose – then there's an asterisk, the word 'hugs' and another asterisk. Then… 'Anyway terrific work as usual Kanki-san!! ^^' … nevermind, your upsetting me is not all right. I'll NEVER forgive you! 'Dangit, I'm getting really attached to your OC..' then… an 'X' and a 'D'… what does that mean?" Samantha looked very confused.

"… shut in." Kanki muttered.

"What was that?"

"Nothing. Read the next letter."

"… fine. It's from someone named Akane Sukishima. She wants us to call her Ake-chan." Samantha said, as if this bore great importance . Kanki's eyes met the Birthday girl's once and both nodded. Then Samantha continued, "That's a bit informal for us, so we'll call her Ake-san. Here's her letter, 'love your beyond the questions fic! my computer is being soooo stupid so I can't necissarily review… the review button won't open for me so I'm just going to P.M you my review for it unti the computer stops being a moron… is that okay with you?' It is fine with us, Ake-san 'i hope… anyways, i have a few questions… Samantha, wanna be my best friend?' Um… I don't really know you, Ake-san, so I don't know how to answer that…" Samantha looked awkward for a second, and Kanki took the chance to snag the paper from her.

"Ahem, continuing, 'You are so adorable! Hey, what kind of food you particularly like? I'll send you some with my next review if you like.'" Kanki read, then turned to Samantha. "Well, Neko-chan? What kind of food do you like?" she questioned.

"Shouldn't you know, miss author?" Samantha returned snidely.

"Well… yes. I do know. I just thought you might want to answer."

"I bet you don't know!"

"Of course I do. I know everything about you! I _made_ you!"

"Prove it!"

"Oranges."

"… … … you're wrong. I loathe oranges."

"Oh? Then I guess we won't need any here anymore! In fact, I'll just forbid them from coming into this house!"

"WHAT?!?! No! It's okay! You don't have to go to such extreme measures!"

"Oh, but Kanki does! If Neko-chan _loathes_ oranges then Kanki will be sure she'll never have to see one in her life again! Kanki is just that nice, you see!"

"… fine. You're right. I like oranges."

"Sorry, what was that?"

"Oranges are my favorite food, damnit!"

Kanki smiled angelically. "I thought as much!" she said with excessive cheer. "Now, back to the letter! She says, 'Beyond, I … um… I… i-i well… I kinda… like you? Alot? You're… adorable.' It does the asterisk thing with 'blushing' in between then 'I um… just wanted to tell you.' finishes it." She looked to Beyond for a reaction, but he seemed more interested in the shape of his big toe, which he was poking with his finger slowly. "Er… okay then… Moving onward! 'Samantha and beyond,' – that should be capitalized, damnit! 'my names is Akane, by the way. Akane Sukishima. Just Aka-chan is fine, though.' Kanki thinks that she has already covered that… Onward! Forsooth, and anon! She says, 'Beyond, thanks, yoou got me addicted to jam. … Jam. For crying out loud! That's almost all I eat now. Seriously. I tried once… it's like the second you try it it's like super hard to stop it's like I can't stop… oh god… reminds me of a song… stupid Chili Peppers! "Can't stop" is like the best song evah!' – she spelled that one with an 'h' – 'Anyways, what kind of music do you like? Oh god i'm babbling aren't I? Yeah, I probably am.' Indeed you are, Aka-san, but that's okay, Beyond-kun will answer your question for you! Kanki assures it!" Kanki declared, before throwing a cap to a jam jar at the pale genius's head. He dodged, of course, but it got his attention. "Oi! Aka-san wants to know what kind of music Beyond-kun likes!" she informed.

"…" he bit down lightly on this thumb nail in thought. "… Beyond does not listen to much music, but if he did he would most likely prefer… Beethoven, or Bach."

"Wow… odd taste." Kanki commented, before dramatically flourishing the letter in front of her. "There is yet more! It's a long one! The next comment is for Neko-chan. 'Samantha, you are so awesome!'" Kanki paused and looked meaningfully at the Birthday girl, catching her eye and nodding once. Samantha nodded back, creeping slowly and silently behind her brother.

With a sudden cry of "This is from Aka-san!" she trapped him in a tight hug, causing Beyond to make a strangled half-scream and wrench himself away from her, throwing himself across the room to cower in a corner.

Kanki burst out laughing, earning herself a glare. "Sorry! That was just really cute!" she commented through her giggles. "Aka-san is sorry to, said she just had to do it and something about going 'absolutely psychotic' … then she does more of the asterisk stuff and says she's hyper. Lastly, 'To both of you guys, you are so totally cool and awesome and adorable in our own ways. it's so cool to finally find someone who will talk to me! oh, and you're an awesome author by the way.' Then she plugs her own story shamelessly. But we won't look down on that because she called Kanki a good author."

"L only knows why!" Samantha muttered, pulling another letter from her pocket. "We've got one more – last one! – from EG." She explained. Kanki settled down like a child ready for story time. "It starts with more compliments for our resident maniac author. 'this fic is really awesome! samantha' – why don't people capitalize my name? 'is the first OC i've ever seen that is not the least bit mary sue-ish' … what's a 'Mary sue' Kanki?"

But the girl was to busy smiling at the compliment to her character designing skills to answer the question.

"Oh, you're no help!" Samantha growled out. "Fine. I'll Google it later… moving on! 'also, i carved 'BB' into the plastic part of my chair!' then an X and a D… Please don't destroy any more property in the name of ANY of the Birthday family, EG-san… 'my question is, are you (beyond)' – names are CAPITALIZED, people! 'annoyed by how some of the fans deraw/portray you in their artwork/fics?'" she paused, turning to Beyond, then looking back at the camera. "Artwork? Fics? What are you talking about EG-san? People draw and write about my brother? How would that get out anyway? I know this one -" she jabbed a thumb at Kanki "writes Beyond into things all the time, but she never publishes any of it…"

Kanki grinned at that. "Oh, Neko-chan, Neko-chan, Neko-chan. You have so much to learn." She cackled, skipping up the camera. "Kanki's going to go now. It's time Neko-chan got introduced to a lovely thing called the fandom!" she giggled this time, then clicked the camera off.


	10. Episode 9 Why we don't call Kanki short

The camera clicks on to reveal…. Well, most likely it would still be Kanki, though her slightly too-round face is no longer framed with brown, gold, black, and red locks and is instead surrounded by short golden-blond and brown hair, hanging about to her ears. She's smiling widely as she skips back to the couch where Samantha is seated, eyes wide and shaking slightly. Beyond is on his usual chair, in the middle of his usual any-given-moment-during-the-day-time snack in one hand, two fingers of the other dipping into the jar. They are all wearing exactly the same outfits as before, but, really that goes without saying by now, doesn't it?

"Hi and welcome to the show! Kanki would like to personally welcome ALL of her lovely re-"

"Lovely? LOVELY?" Samantha cut in, eyes wider than normal – quite a feat for the Birthday girl. "You dare call those freaks lovely? Their sickos, all of 'em!" she declared, pointing at the camera and hissing. "What is going on in your twisted little minds that makes you write things like… like… like that? You… Ugh! I can't even think of a derogatory term strong enough to use about you freaks! Mental! All of you! Mental!"

Kanki scooted a bit further away on the couch. "Beyond-kun, your sister is scary…"

"Kanki-chan is the one that introduced her to the fandom." The genius calmly pointed out.

"Fandom?" Samantha questioned, then gave a high-pitched, hysterical laugh before going on a rant about how it was more 'freakdom' than 'fandom.'

"… Kanki didn't mean for her to find 4 chan…" Kanki whispered under the rant. Beyond nodded sagely.

"Indeed, that was unfortunate."

"Perhaps we should knock her out and go on with the show?"

"We need her for the second letter…"

"Oh. Gag her then?"

"Sounds like a plan." And so Beyond set to work of spider-crawling behind his sister and fastening a random rag he had found on the floor around her mouth while Kanki scotched back over and held her hands behind her back until a suitable cord could be found to bind them. Samantha thrashed like anything, and Kanki got elbowed in the face three or four times, but the job was eventually finished, and the two tossed her on Beyond's seat and shared the couch together instead.

"Well, now that that's sorted out…" Kanki chirped, smiling, "Shall we get on with the show, Beyond-kun?"

"Yes, I think that sounds about right."

"Samantha?" Both turned to the gagged girl.

"MMMPH!"

"I'm glad you agree." Kanki smiled and handed Beyond a letter. "Would you like to do the honors?"

Beyond nodded and took the letter from her in that its-covered-in-icky-germs way that he stole from L and looked curiously at the name on the front before opening it and reading it over silently to himself.

"Um… Beyond-kun?"

"Yes Kanki-chan?"

"You're supposed to read the letter."

"I am reading the letter."

"I mean… out loud."

"Oh. Oh, right." He coughed slightly and began to read. "'This sto-'"

"You have to say who it's from first!"

"… why? Beyond already knows who it's from."

"So our viewers will know, of course!"

"Oh. Of course. It's from someone named Hikari."

"Hi Hikari-san! Thanks for the letter!" Kanki beamed and waved at the screen.

"Now what, Kanki-chan?"

"Er… you read the letter. That's what Samantha does anyway."

"Right." He nodded once and looked over the letter.

"… aloud."

"… right. 'This story is awesome! when are you updating?' … clearly, Hikari-san, we are updating now. "Anyway my question for Beyond is can you read this?'" He paused and looked at the paper. "Yes. Beyond can read this." He stated plainly.

"… are you going to read it to the rest of us?"

"No. It s a list of those 'post it in your profile' things that you dislike. Beyond thought it prudent if he skipped over it."

"Ah. Good idea. Is there any more?"

"Yes. 'well that's all I have bye!' then there are some arrow type things and a dash."

"Kanki sees. Thank you for your letter, Hikari-san!" Kanki smiled and waved before producing another. "This one's from Skyward Shadow, one of my best reviews! Thanks for the letter Sky!" she beamed at the screen before opening it. "Okay, so its starts out… 'LOL, so you're going to introduce Samantha (who now.. hates me?! –sob-) to the fandom? This is going to be good..' … she doesn't REALLY hate you!"

Samantha started mumbling something, but the gag made it unintelligible.

"She just doesn't like that you compliment me. And… yes! I introduced her to the fandom! It was going really well till she accidentally stumbled upon 4chan… That was… scary…" Kanki shuddered at the memory. Samantha, also, started to shudder. "ANYWAY… back to the letter! 'And Beyond hates steak? I never woulda guessed..' Yeah. Kanki didn't think so either. Why DO you hate steak, Beyond-kun?"

"EVIL! Steak brings death upon this house!" the Birthday boy hissed.

"Okaaaaaay then…. More letter? More letter! 'I have a totally random question for both Beyond-san and Samantha-san: What are your favorite seasons and why?'" Kanki put the letter down and walked over to Samantha, as Beyond was still flipping out over steak, and untied her gag.

"YOU PEOPLE ARE SICK! SICK I TELL YOU!" Samantha declared as soon as her mouth was freed. Kanki slapped her, hard.

"Stop that!"

"But - !"

"Favorite season?"

"Fall…?"

"Why?"

"I like the color, and everything really quiet, I guess."

"Good. Beyond?" Both girls now turned to the calming down closet-necrophiliac.

"What?"

"Favorite season and why?" Samantha questioned.

He paused, biting down on his thumb nail in thought. "… Winter. I like the snow. It makes everything look… clean."

Kanki beamed at the camera. "Well there you have it, folks! And now we conclu-"

"Kanki-baka, you forgot the rest of the letter!" Samantha announced, glaring at the author. She had somehow managed to free her hands and was holding the remains of the letter.

"Oh. Right. You do it then, Neko-chan."

"Samantha."

"Whatever, just finish the letter, yeah?"

"… yeah, fine, whatever… 'Thanks for another awesome chap, Kanki-san!! I hope Samantha stops hating me soon.. DX'" Samantha paused to glare at the screen. "I'll stop hating you when you stop complimenting the little freak."

"Wh-what did you just call me?" Kanki asked, trembling in anger now.

"… freak?" Samantha asked in a small voice.

"No, no, before that." Her tone was so sweet it could give cavities, but her fists were clenched and her smile clearly forced.

"… the?" Samantha's voice was squeaking now.

"In between those two."

" … … … little" the Birthday girl cringed.

"That's what I thought."

"You… you aren't going to kill me?"

"Oh, I'm going to kill you, I just don't think our viewers need to see this." And Kanki – who had seemingly pulled Russia's pipe from hammer space – walked calmly to the camera, one hand fisted around Samantha's shirt to make sure she didn't run away, smiled, and turned the device off.


	11. Emergancy Letter Response

**For fear of mentally scarring our audience and/or hosts, the following could not be aired on the regular program, so please enjoy this breif and unnoficial broadcast of a letter written early today by the hosts of our show 'Beyond the Questions':**

Hi, Lambb-san!

This is Kanki Youji, writer and producer of 'Beyond the Questions' here!

Thank you for your letter!

One of your questions will not be answered on our show as it might cause extreme trauma for our viewers, and another because it has already been answered, but we'd like to take the time to answer you here, where we won't scar the general public or be repetitious! Beyond-kun's favorite season is winter! And now I'll turn the letter over to Beyond so he can answer your other un-aired question!

Hello, Lambb-san... this is B. Be stands for Best, not Backup, please be sure to remember that. It appears that you are interested as do what Beyond did with the arm. Beyond assumes you are referring to the arm from his third and - unfortunately - final victim. Beyond did what anyone would do with such an object: he removed the bones and skin, ground up the meat, and donated it to the nearest homeless shelter. Isn't that what you would have done? After all, human is just as full of pro-

Ooooookay then! We're just going to cut him off now, shall we? I hope that answered your question, the rest will be aired on the show! Ta ta!

Kanki

**'Beyond The Questions' is not responsible for any distress mental or otherwised caused by the content, our producers do not endorse nor condem the views projected here and they belong solely to those projecting them. All rights reserved.**


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